Piss and Ink
by AniMesXVIII
Summary: What happens between the scenes of Sweeney Todd. Most take place in between songs/scenes. Others are somewhat deleted scenes Burton decided to take out from the original play. Collect of spoofy one shots.
1. Sea Turtles

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!

It had been about five days since Sweeney Todd had exposed the italian barber, Aldolfo Pirelli, as a fraud and Mrs Lovett sat in her dear deceased Albert's favorite chair as she watched her dear not so deceased barber pace around his shop. As she sat watching Sweeney, she couldn't help but think of a question that had been plaguing her since he saw through the italian's ruse. Maybe now was a good time to ask him?

"Mista T, can I ask ya sumthin'?"

"Of course," muttered Sweeney Todd, only half listening to his annoying landlady's drabble as he usually did.

"'Ow did ya know that that Pirelli was selling piss in a bottle?" She looked at him with eyes filled with curiosity. "I mean, ya jus' looked at it all quick like and knew…"

Sweeney just stood there staring out the window of his shop for some time. "Mrs Lovett, what I am about to tell you I have not told other living soul…I trust you with this information and you must promise me that you will only keep it to yourself…"

Mrs Lovett was somewhat shocked by this request but answered, "O' course, dear, I promise."

"Very good." Sweeney Todd took a deep breath. "...I had to drink me own urine for three months to survive on the raft I made after I escaped from Australia."

"Ya drank…ya own piss?"

"Yes, it was sort of like Waterworld, only my raft was better than bloody Kevin Costner's because mine was made from live sea turtles."

"Wut in the name god is Waterworld?" asked Mrs Lovett, utterly confunded.

Sweeney stared into space for a good five minutes until he answered, "That's not the point…"

"Wait a minute, ya used _live_ sea turtles ta make ya escape raft?"

Sweeney only nodded as he continued to stare off into space.

"Wut the bloody 'ell did ya use fer rope then?"

"Human hair…"

Mrs Lovett raised an eyebrow at this.

"…from my back."

"Oh, yes, naow I undastand…ya drank ya own piss on a raft ya made from live sea turtles which you tied together with rope made of 'uman 'air from ya back…WHEN YA WERE BLOODY SURROUNDED BY WATER THE 'OLE BLOODY TIME?" Mrs Lovett screamed as she jumped up from her chair.

"Are you daft, Mrs Lovett? Don't you know that drinking sea water makes you crazy? Everyone knows that," Sweeney stated matter-of-factly.

"Oh, well, tha's a diff'rent matter then…"

"I found that out because after the third month I was forced to drink the sea water because I was unable to urinate anymore…"

"Ah." Mrs Lovett plopped back down on her chair, satified with the amount of worthless, if not quite disturbing, information she had gotton out of the barber. Next thing she'd know, they'd be baking people into pies. Like that would ever happen. What to do now? Oh, she could always ramble on as she usually did about nothing at all. Her attentions wandered back to the chair she was sitting in.

"S'not much of a chair, but it'll do. Was me poor Albert's chair, sat in it all day 'e did…"

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A/N: Well, I hoped you like it. This is my first Sweeney fic so please be kind.

If you don't know, the end of this story takes place at the beginning of "Wait". Cause you know the most important part of the story is the ending…

Lots and lots of bloody randomness went into this story…I mean Waterworld, Pirates of the Carribean obviously, a little Ed Wood if ya squint, Willy Wonka kinda, The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack and who knows what else…idk

Oh and do not advise that anyone start drinking their own urine…even if you are stranded on a sea turtle raft for three months…JUST DON'T DO IT.

BTW did I break the fourth wall? oops...

I REGRET NOTHING!

Reviews are love.


	2. Kiss Me

**A/N: So anyway I'm back with a new chapter! Yay. Not. Anyway read and enjoy but first:**

**XrazorxpiesX- sorry to gross you out, but what is drinking piss compared to eating human meat pies, hm? LoL**

**Falling Stardust- How did you know I love chocolates and roses? You're too good. I thank you. Weird is a big complement to me. **

**LazyCatfish27- Ah excellent question. And because you asked I will answer in the next chapter!**

**NelliethePieAngel- lol that funny with the pineapple juice, I'll have to try it one day! And thank you for the lovely review. I glad you enjoyed it. **

**ByTheBeautifulSea- I am so happy that you enjoyed it, love! And as you can see I am (finally) continuing. Unfortunately there are no pirate/Sweeney crossovers in this chappie sorry. Thank you for the review and I'm happy that I made you laugh.**

**Winnywriter- Why thank you for the comment. Yeah I know the Pirate/Sweeney thing is a little over done and predictable but I'm glad you found it funny!**

**Xblackxtearsxofxlovexandxhatex- sorry if you didn't understand it, love. Maybe you'll like this chapter more?**

**Snowseal135- I'm so happy that you liked it! Thanks for reviewing!**

**And of course thank you to all the other people who also read BUT DID NOT REVIEW…**

**Cause if you review I can thank you kinda sorta personally!**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Sweeney Todd or anything for that matter. But I do own the original London cast CD. Angela Lansbury kicks butt.**

**By the way: You might understand this chapter more if you go watch the Broadway musical on youtube. This part is called "Kiss Me"…**

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Kiss Me

Inside Judge Turpin's home the second time was much nicer than his first experience, thought Anthony, especially since this the Judge wasn't there to show him his dirty books and he actually is getting to see Johanna.

She was pretty.

She was even prettier now that he could see close up, rather than having to be a stalker and wait outside her window…

But then when she threw the key to her house to him, he was filled with joy. And even better was that he was going to be able to free his beautiful Johanna for Mr Todd said that he may take her to his shop until he was able to bring her somewhere safe! With such happy news, why did his love look so…skeptical?

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Johanna sat staring at the strange boy she allowed to enter her house. Why did she throw that key to him? Oh, right, he was cute, about her age, and might be able to get her away from the wack job she had for a father.

The wack job that wanted to (gag) marry her.

Ew.

She just hoped that this kid had some glimmer of an idea to help her get out of this place. If she was lucky he would have something better than making her stay in some random pie shoppe/tonsorial parlor to stay in while he went to get the coach to take them away. Surely he looked smarter than that…right?

No, no he did not.

Oh, there was no hope left! The Judge was going to marry her Monday!

"He wants to marry me on Sunday!" I suddenly yell. The boy is slightly startled by this I see.

"Don't worry, I have a-," he started.

"Was that a noise?" I screamed. What if the Judge was to come back from the court and see this strange boy in his home?

"I have a plan!"

"Oh, I think I heard a noise, but he's in court, he wouldn't be back yet would he? He wants to marry Monday!"

"I said I have a plan."

"If he plans to marry me Monday, I'll drink a poison on Sunday. There's a good apothecary on Fleet Street…"

"But I have a plan!"

"Oh, it's Friday, virtually Sunday! What can I do with so little time?"

"We'll leave tonight!"

"I think I heard something!"

"It was nothing."

"No, I think I heard the gate."

"…you don't have a gate."

"No, I know I heard a click!"

"Kiss me!"

"What?"

"Kiss me!"

"…why?"

"Um…because I have a plan…to free you…"

"So?"

"We will be married!"

"Marriage? Isn't that a little too…committal?"

"But, the Judge…"

"Where? Is he here?"

"No! But you don't want to marry him do you?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Good."

"But I never said I wanted to marry you."

"What?"

"What do you think, just because I don't want to marry the Judge, I automatically want to marry you?"

"N-no! I didn't say that!"

"Am I just some prize to be won? Do I have no say in whom I marry?"

"Of course you do! I just thought since you threw me that key and…"

"So, throwing a key to someone is the same as proposing marriage nowadays? I know I never been out of my house, and I don't know that many worldly things, but I think that that is a tad ridiculous."

"Uh…kiss me?"

"You're not very bright are you?"

"…We'll go to France?"

"Oh! Why didn't you say that earlier? I'd love to marry you…er…um, what's you're name?"

"Anthony. Anthony Hope."

"I will marry Anthony on Sunday in France. Wonderful!"

"Well, actually I was thinking of getting married in St. Dunstan's…"

"Oh, I knew that one day we would be together, even though I didn't even know your name!"

"Um, yeah…did you even hear what I just said?"

"Oh, sir, kiss me!"

"Really?"

"Kiss me!"

"Are-are you sure?"

"Quickly!"

"Yes, my love!" Johanna puckered up and Anthony started to lean in when something occurred to her.

"Wait, you're a sailor, right?"

"Yes, Johanna, I am."

"The Judge Turpin says that sailors know the ways of the world? Would you say you know the ways of the world, Anthony?"

"Um, you aren't going to show me dirty books, are you?"

"What?"

"Kiss me!"

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Anthony ran down Kearney Lane to Fleet Street to tell Mr Todd of his wonderful news of his and Johanna's soon-to-be marriage. He would also have to bring up to his friend how to deal with mood swings. And how he feared for his love's hearing.

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**A/N: Sorry, I don't think that was as funny as the first one. I dunno you tell me. Anyway, I have a few for Anthony and Johanna and the fact of the matter is that they are not nearly as funny as the Sweeney and Mrs Lovett ones. I don't know. I blame Anthony. **

**More to come soon (hopefully). **

**Next will be a Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett oneshot spoof type thing kay?**

**Momma always said that reviews were like a box a chocolates.**


	3. Tot 'o Gin

A Tot 'O Gin

A/N: Okay 'nother chappie.

Sweeneysbestfriend: Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it.

Nala162024: I'm glad you liked that, see if you guess what my new one is from at the end, eh? Lol

Okay here we go! Time to start the show!

Disclaimer: I no own.

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A Tot O' Gin

Mrs Lovett was hard at work chopping up the nasty Italian that her Mr Todd disposed of earlier that day. She had no idea how she came up with the idea of baking Mr T's victims into pies. Stroke of genius she thought.

But there was still so much that she didn't know about her dear Sweeney. Though now she was afraid to ask anything more of him after her earlier inquiry. Next thing she would know is that he drank ink when he was a struggling writer after his wife cheated on him. Which probably wouldn't be too far from the truth…

Mrs Lovett carefully cleaned herself off before she ascended the steps of the bake house. She didn't want that boy to see her all covered in blood and get suspicious. After all, the lad might have been daft, but he couldn't have been _that _daft.

And Toby really was a sweet lad; she didn't want to lose him.

After cleaning properly she trudged up the stairs into her parlor to check if the boy was still breathing after he had passed out on her floor. She was surprised when he wasn't there.

Where could he be?

She went to the front of her pie shoppe and was surprised when she heard Mr Todd's voice. What was he doing down here? And more importantly, who in the world was he talking to?

She entered the front of her shoppe surprised to find Mr Todd and Toby sitting at one of her booths drinking from a bottle of gin. Both of them completely wasted.

How bloody long have these two been hitting the bottle, for heaven's sake?

The baker just stood there in the threshold of her shoppe in utter shock. Soon Sweeney noticed her standing there and called to her.

"Oi! Mrs Lo'ett!" he slurred, obviously absolutely plastered. "Come ova 'ere!"

Mrs Lovett complied none too hastily to Mr T's request. She was uncertain of his mental stability while sober, drunk she had no idea what to expect. "Yes, Mista T?"

"Me and teh boy wou' like ta know iffen yeh 'ave anyting other tha' gin?" Sweeney mumbled, unintelligibly.

"Like sum rum?" Toby piped in.

"Yesh, rum ish grood," Mr T concurred.

Mrs Lovett now noticed that the two of them had just about finished her gin stores. That was about three bleeding bottles! How were these two not puking all over her floor (not that she wasn't counting her blessings, of course)? But, she thought if these boys had one more ounce of liquor they would be finished, and she would be forced to drag their sorry hides to a bed. That was not going to happen.

"I'm sorry Mista T, but the rum is gone."

"WHY ISH THE RUM GONE?" Both Mr Todd and Toby shout at the same time.

"The rum is gone because…because of that crazy old beggar woman, you know the real ugly one? She came into me shoppe not too long ago and drank it all."

"That's despicable," Toby slurred, looking at the ceiling.

"Lad, do you even know what I was talkin' about?" Toby looked straight at Mrs Lovett and replied.

"Dragonflies?" Mrs Lovett just sighed and hung her head praying for patience to deal with these two nimrods. That's when Mr Todd spoke up.

"Mrs Lo'ett, you mean teh tell meh some ugly dragonfwy beggar came inteh yeh shoppe and sto'e all teh rum?" Mrs Lovett just stared at the man trying to comprehend what just escaped his mouth.

"Er…yes?"

"THAT EVIL WOMAN!" screamed the sloshed barber.

"Le's make 'er inteh a pie!" Toby screamed. Mrs Lovett just stared, mouth agape.

"Wha-," she started but was interrupted by Sweeney.

"I concur, Tobias," Sweeney responded. "Righ' afteh we kill teh Judge 'nd Beadle…"

"Yesh, shir," the boy nodded in agreement with the deranged barber.

"Mr…Mr T, yeh didn't tell the boy of our…business plans, did yeh?" Mrs Lovett asked, aghast.

"Why yesh I 'ave, Mrs Lovett, and 'e sheems teh be very interested in it…"

"Yesh, ma'am, I do believe itish a ingenioush businish strategy…," the boy nearly fell off his chair in his drunken state. "Puttin' peoples into pies ish a great idea! Saves lots of the monies…

Mrs Lovett did not know how to respond. Mr Todd had told the boy obviously in great detail about their plans for his victims. What was he thinking? The boy would surely tell the authorities! They were finished before they even began!

Wait.

There was still hope.

Maybe the boy was so drunk that he wouldn't remember his little chat with Mr T! Yes. And if she was lucky Mr T won't remember either.

Okay, not to worry Eleanor, no chance in the world that either of these idiots will remember a thing! Excellent.

Mwahahahahahahahahaha…

haha…ha…hm.

Evil laugh. Not cool.

Now to get the two dimwits…I mean, men…no, I meant dimwits…to bed.

Luckily, Toby had passed out shortly after his little speech and Mr Todd was having a staring contest with his gin glass.

The sad part was he was losing.

Mrs Lovett lifted the boy from the booth and started to carry his limp body to her parlor. Luckily Mr T didn't even notice.

When Mrs Lovett made it into her parlor she laid Toby out on her settee. She watched him sleep there peacefully, his mouth open slightly letting out a light snore. She heard a little mutter of "meat pies" escape the lad's mouth. The baker smiled to herself and brushed some of the hair out of the boy's face. She frowned as she felt a pang of motherly affection.

How could that be? She only knew the boy a few hours and she already felt a motherly connection to him. Damn her maternal instincts. Maybe that was the reason she was so worried the boy knew of her and Sweeney's plans. She didn't want him to be hurt with the truth of the evils she was going to help her love do.

Oh well. She was sure she would grow out of it.

Back to the front to get the other drunk.

When Mrs Lovett got back to the front of her shoppe she was both delighted and disappointed to find that Sweeney was passed out face down counter of her booth. She was delighted because she wouldn't have to put up with his drunken rambling any longer. She was disappointed because now she would have to find him a place to sleep and be the one who hauled his hide to that said place.

Joy.

The woman grabbed the man under his armpits and started pulling him towards the back of her home. His feet were dragging on the floor making it that much more difficult to carry the barber.

Now where was she going to bring him? She certainly wasn't going to drag his sorry butt up to his apartment. Toby was already on the settee in the parlor and there were no other seats good enough for sleeping in there. The only other place was…her room.

Mwahahaha…

Oh the possibilities...

The slender baker dragged Mr Todd into her room and hauled him onto her bed. She took off his shoes and did her best to pull down her sheets without waking the sleeping man. After he was settled, she undressed and untied her corset, then slipped on her nightgown, checking every once in a while to see if the man on her bed was still really asleep.

When Mrs Lovett was all changed she slipped into her bed, at first very careful not to touch the barber. Though, after a bit she felt a little less awkward and snuggled up to her Sweeney.

She couldn't wait to see his face when he woke up and realized that they slept in the same bed. She giggled to herself. He would not remember what they didn't do, but he would think that they did when they really didn't.

Oh, it will be so funny.

And of course she wouldn't tell him otherwise. Her motto was "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

Content with her evil little plan, Mrs Lovett rested her head on Mr Todd's chest. Such a romantic moment…until he ruined it.

"Lu…cy…" he murmured in his sleep.

With that little whisper Mrs Lovett shot up. She glared at the barber utterly annoyed. She huffed and crossed her arms and came to a solution.

She kicked the barber right off the bed where he laid sprawled out on her bedroom floor for the rest of the night.

Mrs Lovett smiled to herself as she fell asleep.

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A/N: Okay there it is. Chapter 3. Hope you enjoyed it.

I don't know I thought it was kind of bad. You tell me what you think. I didn't think the last one was funny either, but a lot of you disagreed. So…I dunno shrugs

Hope you like.

BTW Go watch the Hillywood show if you don't already. It is absolutely fabulous. It's my favorite webshow on the internet! You'll like it too, I know it! So go watch!

Reviews are friends, not food.


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